Emotional explosions are outbursts of anger, fear, or sadness that overwhelm the people who have them and pull you right into the blast zone. Angry people can blow up in your face. Anxious people may erupt into panic attacks that mimic serious illness. Depressed people can burst into tears, or implode into empty silence. Suddenly, it’s up to you to deal with the situation, because they can’t or won’t.

Unfortunately, dealing effectively with emotional explosions is an unnatural act. If you do what comes naturally, you’re apt to make the situation worse.

GIVE AN EXAMPLE OF AN EMOTIONAL EXPLOSION. WHAT WOULD SOMEONE DO TO MAKE IT BETTER, AND WHAT COULD MAKE IT WORSE

Say a friend of yours has a panic attack at the mall. She’s gasping for breath and begging you to take her home, in vain hope that she can run away from what is essentially a faulty alarm system in her own brain. Needless to say, there is no away to run to.

Your best move is to stay at the mall, and take a brisk walk around the parking lot, singing marching songs. This would both burn off excess adrenaline, and regulate her breathing, either of which could dissipate her panic efficiently, without side effects. You’ll have to participate, because no panicky person would ever do this by herself. (For more ideas about dealing with panic, see the sheet on BASIC CALMING TECHNIQUE )

When your friend is calmer, tell her this: Your fear is real, but the danger it signals is not. These are the magic words that cure fear disorders. You just have to repeat them ten thousand times. And back them up by ruthlessly pushing the fearful forward, then applauding each tiny step.

If you protect people, or help them run away, how can you convince them that there is no danger to run away from?

Doctors need to remember this as well. Treating panic by counteracting the symptoms with medication sends the wrong message, and it can get people hooked on tranquilizers. In the short run, however, medicating panic away seems so much kinder to all concerned, even though in the long run it makes the problem worse.

Medications that make symptoms go away – tranquilizers, like Valium, Ativan, Xanax, and Klonopin generally cause more problems than they solve. The serotonin-enhancing drugs formally known as antidepressants, like Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Wellbutrin, and a host of others work better. They help people navigate panic better by tightening up their emotional brakes. The problem is, once people have experienced the fast relief of tranquilzers, they don’t want to settle for what seems like less.

To deal effectively with depression, first you have to know which kind of depression you’re dealing with. Two kinds require almost opposite approaches.

If a depression is caused by a recent loss, say from death or divorce, encourage people to talk about their loss and how they feel about it. All you need to do is be there to listen.

When people are depressed for no particular reason. The last thing you want is for them to talk about how bad they feel; it will only make them feel worse. Depressed people need to talk less and do more. Usually, they want to wait until they feel better to do the things that will make them feel better. They have to learn to do, regardless of how they feel. You can help them most by being a cheerful and creative nag. Tease them. Tell them they act like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh. Irritate them just enough to keep them moving.

The good news is that very few of the people who think or talk about suicide actually try it. The bad news is that there is no sure way of telling exactly who will try.

It is not your job to talk people out of killing themselves. You’re not trained for it. Demand that they see someone who does have the training as soon as possible. Never agree to keep secrets about suicidal thoughts, and never become a suicidal person’s private crisis hotline. The most therapeutic approach is to take even idle talk about suicide very seriously.

If suicidal people have a weapon or pills, ask for them immediately. If they won’t hand them over, call the police or crisis hotline to get further advice. Don’t try to handle the situation on your own, no matter what they say.

If they are serious about suicide, this approach is the best way to protect them. If they aren’t serious, taking them seriously is the best way to ensure that they’ll think twice about threatening again.

No. It’s not that people don’t use emotional explosions to get their way. The problem is that they’re never aware that that’s what they’re doing. There is no first person form of the verb to manipulate. If people are aware of it, it’s extortion. Accusing people of being manipulative is just about as useless as telling them they’re in denial. All you’ll get is an argument.

First, you have to know what you’re trying to accomplish. Your main goal should be to avoid making them angrier. You can’t calm an angry person down and win an argument. Actually, I doubt that it’s possible to really win an argument. I never have.

To defuse anger, slow things down so both of you have time to think. Anger operates based on instinctive patterns that must be overridden. Someone attacks, and you automatically want to fight back or run away. Either response will make the situation worse. Instead, ask the angry person what he wants you to do, and use that to begin negotiation. Often, angry people have no idea what they want. It can only help to ask them to stop and think about it.

Never try to explain your point of view! Nine times out of ten explanations are just a way of saying, “If you really understand the situation, you ‘ll see that I am right, and you are wrong.” There is no quicker way to make angry people angrier.

First and foremost they have to be convinced to the very depths of their souls that anger is their problem, not the problem of the people around them. Convincing them requires either a black belt in therapy or the patience of a saint.

That part of treatment is art, the rest is mere science: You teach them how to talk themselves out of anger instead of into it. (See STEPS IN THE TREATMENT OF ANGER) You can see how trying to get people to take the second step before the first could turn anger control treatment into little more than an expensive joke.