Boston Globe review

WARDING OFF `EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES'

                       Author: BY DIANE WHITE, GLOBE STAFF Date: 10/25/2000 Page: C1

                       Section: Living

                  DIANE WHITE

                  Vampires are among us. Not the blood-sucking kind, the emotionally exhausting

                  variety. "Vampires stalk you, even as we speak," writes psychologist Albert

                  Bernstein on the first page of "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who

                  Drain You Dry."

                  (As you read the next paragraph, you may want to mentally cue up the theme

                  from "The Outer Limits.")

                  "On broad daylit streets, under the blue pulsation of your office fluorescents,

                  and maybe even in the warm lights of home. They're out there, masquerading

                  as regular people until their internal needs change them into predatory beasts."

                  Bernstein's style is amusing, but his subject isn't.

                  We all know Emotional Vampires. Just a short time in the company of one of

                  these energy-draining human parasites makes it clear why the vampire

                  metaphor Bernstein uses is so apt.

                  A narcissistic boss who thinks he's the only person in the world who has any

                  needs, desires, or abilities.

                  An obsessive-compulsive mother who thinks you can't do anything right.

                  A jealous spouse who's suspicious of your every move.

                  A drama queen co-worker who makes a big show of how productive she is but

                  never gets much work done.

                  Some of us are Emotional Vampires ourselves, although we'd probably be the

                  last to recognize it. But Bernstein isn't trying to help Emotional Vampires help

                  themselves, or even to help the rest of us understand how they got that way.

                  If I'd had a copy of this book when I started therapy, I might have saved myself

                  a lot of time and money. Bernstein provides a field guide to the various types of

                  Emotional Vampires and advises readers how to protect themselves from being

                  victims of these predatory personalities.

                  Bernstein characterizes many varieties - bullies, daredevils, rogues, superstars,

                  perfectionists, hams, and more. Most Emotional Vampires are a combination of

                  two or more types. Each has his own particular way of sucking the life out of

                  relationships, but they all live by the same set of rules, as follows:

                  My needs are more important than yours.

                  The rules apply to other people, not me.

                  It's not my fault, ever.

                  I want it now.

                  If I don't get my way, I throw a tantrum.

                  Sound familiar? Emotional Vampires aren't merely annoying people, they're

                  pathological. Consider, for example, the passive-aggressive type, one very

                  familiar to me.

                  These people think they're incapable of ever doing anything wrong. They create

                  a role for themselves, Bernstein writes, then become lost in it, going to great

                  lengths to avoid seeing themselves as they really are. Passive-aggressives want

                  you to read their minds and anticipate their needs. Then they get angry with you

                  when you can't.

                  Dealing with this sort of person is exhausting. What should you be doing? These

                  are a few of Bernstein's general vampire-fighting strategies:

                  Always check out what vampires tell you with a trusted third party.

                  Pay attention to actions, not words.

                  Ignore tantrums.

                  Choose your words carefully.

                  Don't succumb to the temptation to rescue them. The only way they learn is by

                  experiencing the consequences of their own behavior.

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