This approach is based on understanding the instinctual aspect of anger as well as its physiology and psychology. The main goal is to protect yourself by avoiding unintended provocation. A useful side effect is winning arguments, not by beating your opponents and urinating on them, but by besting them in a battle of wits.

ASK FOR TIME All you may have to do is slow things down. Say: Please give me a minute to think about this. No one will ever get angrier at you for taking them seriously. Delay may also subtly encourage them to do a little thinking of their own, and it will prevent you from blurting out the first thing that pops into your head.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART Monitor yourself for physical arousal. If you’re revved up, ask for a little more time to wind down. If you’re calm and thinking, you’ll do just fine, even if you can’t even remember the other steps.

KNOW YOUR GOAL Think about what you want to happen. It is impossible to simultaneously calm someone down, get him back, and convince him that the whole thing is not really your fault. If you send mixed messages, only the most aggressive will register.

SPEAK SOFTLY A soft answer turns away wrath. This is excellent advice, not just for the obvious reason that anger is loud and speaking quietly makes you seem less threatening. Soft speech will also make you feel calmer, which couldn’t hurt.

TAKE SOME DISTANCE Often, angry people will stand too close, or attempt to loom over you. Such aggressive gestures will automatically increase both your arousal, and theirs. Moving forward, backing up or cowering, even if done only with your eyes by locking contact or looking down, all signal fighting back or running away.

To cool things down, do something unexpected. Ask the person to sit down, or step away yourself to get something, like a pen to take notes, or your glasses. If all else fails, act as if you’re about to sneeze.

DON’T TRY TO REASON WITH SOMEONE WHO IS YELLING Shouting and thinking cannot occur simultaneously. Getting people to stop yelling is easier than you might think. Just keeping your own voice soft may do the trick. Another way is by saying, “Please speak more slowly. I’d like to understand.” Often angry people will comply without thinking. Reducing speed will also reduce the volume. Have you ever tried to yell slowly? This strategy works particularly well on the phone.

VALIDATE You don’t need to say that angry people are right, only that they have a right to feel what they feel. Say: “I can see how you’d be upset about that”. Don’t use the word angry unless you want to quibble over semantics. Everybody will admit to being upset or concerned.

DON’T EXPLAIN Explanations are usually a disguised form of fighting back or running away. The typical explanation boils down to: If you know all the facts, you will see that I’m right and you’re wrong or It wasn’t my fault, you should be mad at somebody else, or worst of all, You have no right to be angry. Whether you recognize the provocative aspect of your explanations or not, angry people certainly will.

ASK WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO? This simple, unexpected question is absolutely the most useful tool you will ever find for dealing with anger. Angry people either do not know, or will not admit what they want you to do. To answer this question, they will have to stop and think, which is precisely what you want them to do. What could be simpler or more devious?